The cloud of knot knowing.... avoiding a rage-quit while trying to tie DNA threads back together.

Apologies for the time lapse folks but I have just endured more than half an 'Annus Horribilis'. My whole right shoulder was in knots of physical pain just over six months ago so I took lots of painkillers during and between conference visits to Madrid and Edinburgh last year. I was under that cloud of physical pain until it became utterly unbearable and excruciating, totally debilitating really. Having presented (to my doctor in this first instance) in September it was only in early October after much more pain, a series of tests and scans, seeing physiotherapists, acupuncturists, and all manner of consultant manipulator, did my G.P. fully diagnose my condition as confirmed Adhesive Capulitis and only this month have I been able to return to anything approaching normality following the chronic pain and a course of anti-inflamatories and a series of steroid injections.

Normality however now includes a martial separation after almost twenty five years of marriage. We tied the idealistic knot at quite a young and foolish age and half a lifetime later have become two entirely different people. Obviously I am tremendously saddened and affected by the demise of what once was my closest and most precious relationship, yet people grow, and often do grow apart, sadly it’s become too common an occurrence that when a couple’s children become independent, the couple themselves reassess their relationship and, as in my instance, despite both working hard to avoid it, reach the difficult decision to separate. Our parting while tough has been civilized and amicable, and their remains mutual respect and affection, we wish each other well in our ‘new’ lives while tending our respective sensitive personal wounds.

So as you might imagine, maintaining my blog was not upmost in my mind while an emotional unknotting and difficult domestic circumstances were unthreading, now that my physical health has greatly improved and a new way of being must be embraced, I’ve returned here to scribbling thoughts in the margin of my existence for a number of reasons. Close friends, colleagues and indeed many good people in general have been sympathetic, patient and understanding of my changing if not seemingly constantly deteriorating situation. There have been other bumps on the road back to recovery involving others, the loss of a very close friend and other upsets but I’m just not bothering putting them here, I think you’ve already gotten the real life Candide buzz going on.

As I discuss elsewhere on this site but perhaps in not as explicit terms, many parts of me subscribe to Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s belief that we are spiritual beings struggling with a physical existence rather than physical beings seeking some form of spiritual knowledge. I fully respect atheists and agnostics and I don’t do evangelism or indeed persuasion when it comes to personal belief or non-belief, after decades searching and rejecting volumes of spiritual literature and manuals for various approaches to belief, life and being, I have learned through pain in all its forms that I have some contentment in knowing I don’t and perhaps will never know, certainly in any scientific or materialistic physical sense, the exact nature of who I am. I can however seek to relish life, moments and daily living, quite content to remain in the cloud of not knowing, while perhaps ironically experiencing it as quite a liberation or freedom from self in itself.

I am therefore metaphorically licking my wounds, staying present and trying to refocus on tasks at hand, namely the (rescheduled) writing up of my dissertation thesis and several other now postponed or delayed commitments. I am also very appreciative of the fact that quite a lot of people, for whatever reason, read this blog and I can only assume that your and my own interests intersect at some or several point(s). Just for information my top post has had almost 18K views with new ones generally beginning around 500+ views per post in their first couple of weeks or so, even the ones that unintentionally say very little about anything (damn robots). So thank you for supporting me even in my absence.

As I have tweeted about and commented upon in other areas of the internet, what is the point of owning your own blog, in your own name, if you can’t allow yourself the freedom to write what you want, when you want ? Indeed what is the point of such freedom if you don’t ever exercise that freedom ?

So for this post only, I offer above little glimpses of the personal circumstance that curtailed my writing and creative activity in recent months. This site in its current incarnation (drupel) was about four years old on April 1st and while I have inexorably pursued digital content creation in one form or another for most of my career to date and never having quit anything where someone was relying upon me, getting accustomed to the recent void of non-activity was extremely difficult. The urge to quit, pretty much everything and retire to become an obscure isolated painting poet type recluse in a small county village in the west of Ireland did arise more than once… but there is something, a stronger urge for experiment and engagement in digital contexts that drives me.

While this post is perhaps overly cathartic even sentimentally lamentable, it’s my first real foot in the stirrup, it’s a first flexing of fingers and brain for getting back on the horse of digital engagement. Last year I did some consultancy work for several corporations and companies interested in transmedia, digital creativity etc..one company in particular sticks in my mind, their tagline speaks to the idea of Digital DNA and I can fully understand and subscribe to that idea simply because having had the unwelcome opportunity to reflect on such matters over a long long period of months..I’ve concluded that I too must have some Digital in my own DNA. Thanks for visiting and reading.